Since I was very young my appearance has always been a free target for my mother to take aim at, from my freakish, all the way to various problems with my weight. I would love to sit right here and tell you the insistent bullying is the reason I developed said weight problems, sadly I can’t. Truth be told, I am to blame! While I have always been broad-shouldered and heavyset it wasn’t until the end of my high school years it became a problem.
Things in life went wrong and rather than deal with it in an emotionally mature way I ate my feelings. If I was bored, or emotional, or even tired my response was to eat something and often it wasn’t a salad. As time went on and I got larger I went through a few fads of trying to fix my weight, however, nothing really lasted, truth be told it never was going to. I spent years trying to fight the weight when the weight wasn’t the enemy it was myself.
Lockdown was the final straw for me, I was as heavy as I had ever been at 24 stone, and I was experiencing chest palpitations. Just 2 years prior my brother died from a cold water-induced cardiac arrest, so this was something that struck a massive chord with me.
I signed up to a diet plan and started casual exercise. Previously I had tried walking to the ends of the earth however that approach never seemed to work for me. Instead, id try and ensure I hit my 10,000 steps a day and focus on the food. However, I did more than that, I looked at myself and asked why I had been unable to louse it before. I came to the conclusion that yes I love people and yes I had been craving that aspect I had also been afraid of it. Being large kept at least romantic partners at arm’s length, as much as I hated it I had also been using it. I wanted that to end, and I set my mind out to get it done.
So almost 3 months later and what can I say. I am down to 20 stone, I can now walk up to any hill you point me at and still have enough air when I reach the top. Shirts are fitting that have not in years, and for the first time in a long time, I have a crush on a girl (I know I sound like a 14-year-old but its how she makes me feel).
All I can say at the end of this is all is number one, I am not done yet and I want to louse another 2-3 stone. Number two, you are beautiful no matter your size if you are happy, which for me is the main thing you have to be happy in yourself. Finally number three, people think weight loss and gain is a simple matter of control or restraint, people being greedy or people just not moving enough. It is never that simple, the first thing you need to look at before your diet before your exercise plan is your emotional state and baggage. Why do you want to lose it and why did you gain it, its okay to be an emotional broken mess but the first step to fixing anything in this life is to find out why? x